Overcoming the executive dysfunction of initiating conversation

I’ve realized that when I want to meet people, my mind hyperfixates on my desire to want to meet people that I don’t even pay attention to whether I actually want to talk to a particular person or not. I get intrusive thoughts to talk to the person I see. When I become more mindful of my thoughts, I realize that maybe I don’t want to approach this particular person. But it feels like my mind is judging me, telling me that I’m just making excuses for myself not to approach them. So it pushes me to talk to them, and when I can’t approach them, I judge myself for it, even if I don’t actually want to.

When I do want to talk to someone, my brain hyperfixates on what to say that it blacks out. I overthink myself into a paralysis. But my hyperfixation prevents me from being able to shift my attention to something else. I feel decentred. For example, when there’s someone close to me that I want to talk to, and I’m trying to get work done, I cannot focus on my work, because my mind is fixated on my desire to talk to that person. I end up having to tell myself that I’m not actually going to talk to them, as a way to shut my mind up in an on/off manner. (I either want to talk to someone, which makes me hyperfixate, or I don’t. I don’t know how to get to an in-between mental state, where I can make peace with my desire to talk to someone but also focus on my work.) Sometimes I even have to move away from them to get them out of sight, out of mind.

I think that this is the root cause of my social anxiety. I’m pretty good at carrying a conversation, but where I struggle is initiating a conversation: the gap, the silence makes my mind overthink and hyperfixate.

I’ve decided to try out an experiment where I don’t go out of my way to initiate conversation but only carry a conversation if and when it happens naturally. This puts a hard “off” switch on my hyperfixation on how to initiate conversation. Whenever my mind starts to wonder towards wanting to approach someone, or to initiate a conversation, I remind myself that I’m focusing on myself and pull myself back to my goal.

Truth be told, I do feel defeated. I feel that I’m taking a step back. I want to overcome my social anxiety, but instead I’m having to consciously avoid socializing to avoid hyperfixating and decentering myself. But I have to remind myself that I’m taking a step back to take a step forward. To overcome my social anxiety, I need to first learn to centre myself—I need to first learn to bring myself back from hyperfixating on how to initiate a conversation, to prevent myself from overthinking myself into paralysis.

When a conversation feels natural—when I don’t put myself in a position where I have to overcome my executive dysfunction of initiating a conversation—it’s a lot easier for me to participate in a conversation. This makes me realize that my social anxiety is rooted in executive dysfunction. So instead of seeing it as a step back, I can see it as taking the first step towards overcoming my social anxiety. I don’t have to jump down the deep end and force myself to learn to cope with the challenge. Instead, I can work on my social anxiety in a situation that requires less executive functioning, as an early stage towards a more difficult stage. I can practice participating in conversations rather than shutting myself from the world socially. Importantly, this stage also trains me to become aware of my limits. I can pull myself back when I feel that I don’t have the social energy to socialize—I can become mindful and centre myself, rather than judging myself. This can allow me to feel safe when I’m in social spaces, and that I’m not going to push myself beyond my limits, which can allow me to feel more comfortable being in social spaces, because I don’t feel out of control and decentred in them.

I’m also already thinking about how to make initiating conversations more accessible for me. By knowing that my social anxiety is rooted in me hyperfixating on how to initiate a conversation, I can think of ways to minimize my hyperfixation. This means that the step I’m taking isn’t a step back at all, but rather a preparatory step.

However, I also have to contextualize why I want to initiate a conversation. Sometimes I feel that I push myself to initiate a conversation just to prove to myself that I can, and judge myself for not being able to. But I’m a goal-oriented person. If there’s no purpose for me initiating a conversation, the mental effort that goes into me initiating a conversation doesn’t seem worth it. Perhaps that’s why I tend not to initiate conversations: Rather than giving myself a purpose to overcome my social anxiety, I try to push myself to do it just to prove that I can do it. This makes me shoot myself in the foot. The challenge feels purposeless: Why do I need to prove anything to myself? What do I get out of it?

The purpose doesn’t have to be long term (such as that I want to meet a potential partner). It can be anything. I actually think it’d be better not to hyperfixate on a long-term goal, but rather find a way to enjoy short-term interactions for what they are, and not only see overcoming my social anxiety as a means to finding a partner. For example, if I’m travelling, the purpose of meeting people could be to find people to hang out and explore the city with. What I could do is create short-term challenges with attainable goals that allow me to enjoy short-term interactions. That way, I can use my need for clearly defined goals towards overcoming my social anxiety, and as such create a mental environment for myself that’s as accommodating for me as possible.

However, I don’t want to think this about this too much for now—I’d like to focus more on the stage I’m at right now, which is taking the pressure of starting a conversation off me, centring myself, and engaging in conversations only when they develop naturally. I’ll think more about the next stage when the time comes for it and I feel ready.