Allowing reality in: Breaking the limerence

I often feel that I need to cut people off when they don’t meet my needs because it’s the “right” thing to do. But I don’t like cutting people off. It doesn’t jive with how I see myself doing relationships. I feel that I do it because I “should” be doing it—that I “should” draw my boundaries, and how would I draw my boundaries other than cutting people out if they don’t meet my needs? But I often feel that I have certain expectations from people, and if they don’t meet those expectations, I cut them out before seeing what they can offer me, or that they’re offering me something. I feel that I’m too rigid in my expectations. If someone doesn’t meet my expectations, I feel rejected. And as a response to that, I feel that I should draw my boundaries and cut them out.

I’m a very limerant person. And because of that, I tend to hyperfixate on people. I have a specific, rigid fantasy of what my dynamic with someone looks like. If the reality doesn’t meet the fantasy, I feel let down.

I would like to create space to allow reality in. I would like to minimize the power of the fantasy and stop it from taking over my connections.

The key question here is, how do I minimize the power of the fantasy?

I think the most important thing is to express myself early. The fantasy builds in the space created by the unknown. So by expressing myself early and finding out what the other person is looking for, I can stay rooted in reality and prevent the fantasy from building.

I tend to be afraid of expressing myself because I tend to be afraid of rejection. I tell myself that maybe the other person doesn’t feel how I’m feeling and isn’t experiencing our dynamic as I’m experiencing it. But isn’t that exactly the point of expressing myself early? If the person isn’t experiencing our dynamic as I’m experiencing it, it’s better for me to know early on rather than let the fantasy build. I need to trust that I’m better off being single than living in a fantasy. But I also need to have faith that the other person probably also feels something and wants to have some sort of connection with me—isn’t that why they’re talking to me? We might not have the same idea of what we’re looking for, but that’s why I need to ask about what they’re looking for.

I’m often afraid that I come off too serious if I start talking about our dynamic early on. But talking about what we’re each looking for in our connection is one of my fundamental needs, as it keeps me grounded in reality. How in-depth this conversation is can depend on how far along we are in our connection. It doesn’t have to be a long or deep conversation. But I have to be mindful of their answer when they tell me what they’re looking for and take them at face value. And if the person finds the conversation “too serious”, then we are clearly incompatible, as they don’t meet my fundamental need. And it’s better to know this early on.

Additionally, I can’t be afraid of feeling too vulnerable. What I’m looking for might be more than what the other person is looking for. I can’t look to reflect their emotions and needs, but rather express my own. If the other person does not want what I want, I always have the power to reduce my emotional investment in our connection. If I need to, I can de-escalate my behaviour in our connection to allow my emotions to de-escalate.

I need to stop treating our agreements and commitments as “tests” to prove that the other person will show up for me—that they’re actually into me and committed to our connection. I need to trust that they are. I need to trust that if they don’t follow through for me, it’s not a reflection of their commitment to our connection, but perhaps something they themselves are struggling with. I need to see it as an issue we can solve together as a team, rather than as a sign that they don’t care about me.

This is not an easy task, and not something I can just start magically doing, ignoring my feelings of being rejected. If it were, I would’ve been able to do it already. Rather, I need to ask for assurances that the person cares about me. I need to disconnect the feelings of being cared about from the things they are unable to give me. I need to recognize and internalize that the ways they cannot show up to our connection is not a reflection of how they feel towards me. I also need to be mindful of and grateful for all the things they do give me and the ways in which they do show up for me. I need to view my connections from a perspective of gratitude. Anything that the person gives me, any way that they show up for me, is a gift that reflects my importance to them and their willingness to show up for me.

By taking this approach, I can accept whatever people give me, no matter how big or small, and cherish the natural connection that we have. I can ask for things, but the asks become less loaded with expectations, and less burdened with the weight of needing to prove that the person cares about me and our connection. I can do this because, ultimately, having connections in my life adds to its richness, but I am emotionally whole. I do not need any one connection to complete me. By mindfully accepting what people give me and not hyperfixating on what they don’t give me, I can create space for others in my life who can give me more, without needing to remove what I already have. I do not need to cut off a person who cannot meet all my needs, because I do not hyperfixate on them, and having them in my life does not take away from my ability to create space for someone else.